Hillary Clinton: “I Wish I Were More Like Bernie Sanders”



I like Bernie Sanders.

I wish I could be more like him.

But Im just a human being and Bernie is a myth, a symbol who walks on clouds.

If he was at a wedding, and the host ran out of wine,

Bernie would turn the water into wine.

But I am no miracle worker.

I am a human being with all the faults of a human being.

When a prostitute threatened to testify that my husband had raped her,

I didn’t smile and let it pass.

I made a telephone call and a man went to her house, forced her to write a suicide note,and shot her in the back of the head.

I am a problem solver.

I know how to solve probems.

I admit that my way is not always the best way

but it is the most practical way.

If Bernie needs $27 million dollars, he asks a million people for $27 dollars apiece.

When I need $27 million dollars, I ask 27 people for a million dollars apiece..

It is more efficient that way.

As president, I may not be as magical as Bernie Sanders,

But I will be more efficient.

And more practical.

We cannot wish our way out of the perpetual war.

We have to carpet bomb our way from one engagement to the next,

And do all we can to cut the percentages in our favor.

I am no saint

But I was first lady,  senator,  secretary of state, and maybe more important, I am a woman.

A persecuted woman. I have been accused of everything under the sun

And have paid millions of dollars in fines

But I have never done anything wrong.

Remember that when you go to the polls to vote for me

and while you are giving me your vote, I want you to think of Bernie Sanders.

Because I know that what you really want

What you really need….is what Bernie Sanders is promising.

But to get the things Bernie promises,

You have to go through me.

You don’t get a direct line to Bernie.

If you want affordible health care, you can have it

but you can only have it my way

And I admit my way is flawed, and nothing is going to happen overnight.

And some of you may even end up paying more only to discover you are getting far less.

but that is the way of the flesh.

The human way.

If you want miracle health care and you want it now,

Go to a faith healer.

You will have a better chance with a faith healer than with Bernie Sanders.

Better to take small steps with me, someone who knows from experience what works and what doesn’t work,

Than giant steps with a chimera, who will lead you to a wonderland that, when the enchantment wears off,

Turns out to be a broken ghetto where the lights have been cut off due to lack of payment.

There is no free lunch.

I have fought hard for every goddam one of your votes.

So you better get into line and hand over  those votes.

I wish I were more like Bernie Sanders.

But I’m not.

I am Hillary.

And you damn well better get used to me.


7 thoughts on “Hillary Clinton: “I Wish I Were More Like Bernie Sanders”

  1. Very entertaining, Bill. I would also say it was amusing, but the subject is too serious for that! Good luck with that election over there. You are going to need it.
    (I am presuming you still get a vote, despite living in Peru?)
    Best wishes, Pete.


    1. Hi Pete. I voted here as part of the Democrats Abroad caucus and we won for Bernie Sanders. It is much less hopeful here in Peru, where the horrible Keiko Fujimori won by a large margin. there will be a second and final run off later between her and runner up PPK..I was rooting for ,who placed third.If keiko wins, which is probable, she promises to fight crime by enlisting the military to augment the police force. God help us.


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